"... and if not, He is still good!" (Daniel 3.18)

I'll start with the context and then I'll go into my thoughts about everything.

A few years ago, we had learned (and it was soon-after announced on the news) that our parish is on the proverbial "chopping block" for closure.  This was a directive (not sure that this is the correct word to use, please bear with me!) that was implemented by our previous Bishop.  Soon after our previous Bishop was recalled back to the Northeast, we had our current Bishop installed as the leader for our diocese.  We were curious if our new Bishop would reconsider the decision about our parish.  We'd been trying to do what we can to keep going, keep the faith that things wouldn't come to that.  We'd waited, with collectively baited breath, that the current Bishop would change this decision.  Someone had reached out to ask him about things, and he had expressly stated, "Until you hear from me, things are to continue as they are."  (paraphrased).  

Okay, cool.  

We started to kind of relax a little bit, but still hopeful that things would change for the better, that the Bishop would take our parish off the "to close" list.  

-pausing here, I want to share something on a more ... personal note-

I am going to be absolutely blunt and transparent here when I share this, and if for whatever reason you do not like what I have to say, well, you are more than welcome to stop reading here and find something else online to explore.  :)  I completely understand. (promise).

So, I've struggled, hard, with this news, about my parish being on the closing list.  I've never lost my faith, but let's just say that I've lost my footing for a while earlier this year.  A lot of different factors:  constant commentary from other people (will not be mentioning names, as the identities of these individuals, God is already aware, and I'm not trying to flip this into some kind of "gossip post"), the way I, myself, was being treated, it was just ... a lot.  Mixing in some external things going on in my personal life, well, my brain just ... broke.  I retreated deep into my shell, not wanting really much of anything to do with anyone outside of my current job and maybe like two people that I trust implicitly and of course my pets.  Outside of the two people I trust implicitly, I still haven't really talked much about what's going on with my headspace, but I'll say this:  there's something truly to be said about taking a hard, deep look at things and realizing some things are just best left alone.

I have been wrestling with things, internally, about everything.  About my own feelings and thoughts about the news, listening to others talk about their own thoughts and feelings about this whole thing, and it's certainly led me to realize:  I need to just accept that things are as they are.  God, at the end of the day, knows what He is doing, He knows what's going on "behind the scenes", so to speak, and I need to just do with this situation as I've done with others that have been tough for me to understand:  Just step back, stop pestering Him with, "But!  But!" and just accept that He's got this.  Who knows, other than Him, what's going on that we're not aware of on a parish level?

Years ago, I found this meme on social media somewhere that said something to the effect of, "You don't know what's being said behind closed doors.  God's protecting you."  I'm badly paraphrasing that, but it all boils down to the fact that even what we don't know, God does, and that's something to take comfort in, is His Omniscience and Omnipresence.  He knows everything, and He is everywhere.  Where I live, there are lots of parishes to choose from, and during a conversation I had with a priest on Tuesday, something he said made me feel a lot better.  He said, "Our doors are always open.  You are welcome to join us here for Mass!" I had been there for a Holy Thursday Mass last year, and it was beautiful.  The priest with whom I'd spoken on Tuesday was the celebrant, and he was fantastic.  I don't know him super well (having only spoken with him a couple of times), but I can tell from speaking with him how much he loves the Lord, and how much he loves reaching out to the lost, the lonely, and the hurting, to draw them in and lead them to Jesus.

During that conversation, I realized the root of a lot of things going on internally within myself (none of which I will go into here, Jesus is aware, and that is all that matters to me).  I opened up about those deep hurts, out loud, and we had a solid conversation about what's been going on with my heart vs my head.  I felt the reassurance from the Lord in that space, and when I left, I felt a lot better about having had that chance to speak up and say, "I'm hurting, this is where I'm hurting, and this is why."  I went to work feeling (and still do feel) much lighter.  

There are still a lot of questions.  A lot of pain and grief, no doubt, will continue to come and go until those questions have some kind of answers.  It's going to be tough to go to Mass this coming weekend, as this will be our last Sunday Mass (for awhile, as a friend keeps saying the closer the day gets). Though it's going to be tough to get through that, God's right there, holding our hands and hearing our deepest pain as we struggle to get our heads around everything that's going on, all those questions of, "What's next?"  What I've decided to do, as best I can (bluntly stated: I'm afraid of falling apart as I read those Readings Sunday morning, but God knows, and I know He will help).  I know Mama will be there, whispering reassurances deep within the ears and heart of my soul, that none of us will be alone in this!

This parish, it is where I and so many others have come Home to the Family of God.  It is where countless baptisms, weddings, and funerals have happened.  It is where I have seen and heard about prayers being answered - prayers about things that seemed, in the moment something happened, initially seemed impossible.  But God, in His deep love He has for us, has come running, has done so many amazing things that have left us breathless in praise and thanks to Him, proving once again that He is the God of Promises Kept.  

So, even though we may not know right away what He's doing, I am able to say, "Alright, Lord, sometimes You do things we don't understand, and sometimes those things, we don't even like, but You know what You're doing, and You are the one in charge here.  I'm just going to get out of the way, grab my bowl of popcorn and my chair, and sit down and watch You do what You do, and I'm going to trust the process!"  That's, honestly, all I know to do.  Well, that and ask, "What are we supposed to learn from this?"  I'm ready for the answer to that question.  Come what may, God has always kept His promises.  God is faithful.  He loves us, and He isn't going to yank that love away from us.  Ever!

Thanks be to God, we don't have to do this by ourselves, we don't have to try to fumble around in the dark to find that Light.  The Light is there, it's just up to us to look up and run to Him.