25 February 2019

Seven things I'd Tell My Younger Self

Dear younger Rea,

I want to say a few things to you in hopes that you will be able to heal and move forward as you deserve to be able to do.


Number One   - You are not the sum of all you've been through, precious girl.  You have made mistakes, sure, but that is part of being human.  It does not mean you at all deserved the ugliness and cruelty you were doled every day by the very people who were supposed to be raising you to know that you are worth more than you think.  They should've built you up, but they chose to tear you down at every chance they got.  You did not deserve this.  No parent should make their child feel 'less than,' this is not okay and it is against God and His design.  The backpedalling they did to you at its barest of minimum just to justify what was said to you, also not okay.  You are enough.  You are everything God wants and so much more.  He loves you, and He's right there with you, catching every tear you've cried in private when you thought no one else cared to hear you.  He did.

Because of the ugliness that you were forced to endure your entire life until you moved out at 18 (at the encouragement of your brother - thanks be to God for him!), it has bled into other areas of your life and has caused a massive rift in areas that shouldn't have been touched.  Sacred sentiments such as 'I love you' have been forever altered in a negative way.  It's caused you to not be able to bond and has caused much wariness when people show affection.  It's caused you to wonder, 'When will the other shoe drop?'  It's because of this you have never been able to relax and just be.

Let me tell you something:  you are beautiful.  You are created in the likeness and heart of Jesus Himself.  He knew you long before you even existed because you existed in His heart.  You were cradled there until it was time for you to be born into this human world, and yes, it hurts to know you've been through so much, know that He's been there holding you close to His precious Sacred Heart the whole time.  Heaven was and still is not blind to your pain.  You are absolutely worthy of being loved, wholeheartedly, unconditionally, and unflinchingly sincerely.  Jesus gives you more than you can stand and understand, and He has had you wrapped in His loving embrace since before you were born.


Number Two - You need to realize that just because you were wrongly led to believe that you're somehow a 'whore,' you aren't, nor will you ever be.  Wearing makeup, styling your hair, none of these things makes you in any way a 'whore' or any other ugly statement.  I am sad that you went through all these horrible things at the very hands of those who should've been protecting you from the ugliness they, themselves, were dishing out.  It's disgusting, it's wrong, and it is not the truth of who you are.  Jesus loves you.  You are here for a unique and divine reason, and while you may not know what that reason is right now, know that all these things are going to shape you and strengthen you so you can come alongside someone else one day and help them through their journey as it begins for them.  You've got this.

Number Three - You are pretty rad.  You have an eye for detail, an eye for art.  You get to publish two books, later on, a life-long dream you've had since you were really little.  I am proud of all that you've faced and didn't let it knock you down so hard you didn't get back up again.  I am tremendously proud of how you keep fighting.  It's this that develops your deepest strength, and it will give you something to look back on and gauge how far you have come.  But do not forget:  Jesus is the one Who gave you the graces and strengths to keep forging forward.  Do not lose sight of Him and His Majesty.

Number Four  - Take heart, little one, you will grow up both literally and figuratively, despite all the times evil has tried to knock you down into the abyss with it.  You will grow in your faith, and you will come to know that not only do you have Jesus Who loves you, but He gave you His Mama, and she loves you, too, just as fiercely.  She has been praying for you since the day you were conceived.  How cool is that!  You have someone who will unconditionally be there for you with words of love, and if needed, correction in love and not abuse.  You are tremendously blessed and favoured by the Creator of the Universe, Himself, in this regard!  How big and wonderful a God we have, that He sees you and calls you, 'Beloved.'

Number Five - Just because you were downtrodden, doesn't mean you have to stay that way.  Your self-image and -esteem were skewed and destroyed long before you even knew what was happening, how not-normal that was for a parent to treat their child.  But, I'll tell you something:  God sees you as so much more, and He's not blind to anything.  He never has been.  You are worthy of love, you are worthy of being uplifted.  You are worthy of God's infinite grace and mercy.  Don't let anyone try to make you feel less than what He has created you to be.  For those who have done so, God is aware of their actions and cruelty.  He is working on them.

Number Six - Though you have suffered great pain, the fact you're forging forward is a testament to your truest strength and determination.  Use it.  Use it always!  You've got this. 

Number Seven - I cannot stress this enough, and I have, on purpose, saved this for the last:  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOUR LOOKS DO NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON.  Neither do your actions.  You're going to grow up looking a bit odd, but let me remind you:  Those individuals who constantly put you down, not just at home, but at school, they are the ones struggling with their own issues, and it's like machinegun fire.  It sprays to wherever, and sometimes the targets aren't intentional, sometimes they are.  Though it's been insistently brought up that you were 'never' intended to be abused, and those who have done so claim they 'do not recall' such ugliness done to you, let them live in their denial.  You know and you own what has happened, and no, you did not deserve an ounce of it.  They are not better than you.  YOU are better than the crap they've forced you to believe you are.  You are none of those ugly things.  You are a good person, a beautiful soul.  You deserve to be happy like anyone else, and you are not anything negative that's been hammered into your precious brain that's left you fractured and broken on the floor.  I promise you, you are far superior to anything that's been hurled at you that's negative.  You are loved, and you deserve to be here.  Yes, mistakes will happen, but you are not a mistake.  I reiterate:  YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE.  YOU DO NOT DESERVE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH.  You will succeed, you will keep your head up, and you know what?  Those are good things.  You deserve to love and be loved as unconditionally as you love.  You will get through this.

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