20 November 2016

Let's talk habits.

I was looking around for some inspiration this morning before I finally decided to call it a night and go get some sleep.  I mean, it was almost 5.30 in the morning, after all!

One thing that caught my eye, though, was something about habits.  Specifically about a habit I wish I didn't have.

There's a few, but then I came across this quote a few hours ago when I was trying to fight off a nasty pressure headache:  "Don't compare your Chapter 1 to someone else's Chapter 15.  Follow your own path, write your own life story, and never give up on yourself."

I am horrible at this, if I'm honest (and I am, to a fault).  Thing is, though, it stems from the nasty statements made to me throughout my adolescence.  Being compared to my peers, by the very people who should've been raising me to have confidence in myself, but chose to brutalize me instead.

Never could shake that.  Here I am, grown and moved out of their oppressive, terrible environment of control and brutality, and I can't enjoy watching even a music video without hearing, "Yeah, *she* looks xyz," or "Those guys have their lives together, what's your excuse?"  Shit like that....  I'd never say that to my own children or step-children.  EVER.  Even when I'm babysitting my neighbour's grandchildren, I don't compare them to each other, "Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?"  Hell, I don't even do that with my pets.  It's disgusting and it's stupid to do that to someone.

I've had people come to me and compare themselves to me, too, which is weird to experience that.  It really is.  I've gone along my life wondering what's wrong with me, and I've had people come to me and say, "I wish I had my shit together like you do."  Oh, honey, no, I really don't.  I honestly don't.  In some things, yes, I do.  I keep my house picked up, I don't leave trash everywhere, and I don't allow anyone to do that, either.  You're going to respect my home, or you're not going to be welcomed back.  It's that simple.  I pay my bills, on time, in full.  I mean, granted, there's been MAYBE three times in the history of me living on my own when I've been a little late with a bill, and MAYBE twice I've had to ask my friend if I could catch up on what I owe for my share of the meat for the cats, pay her for that month the following month when I pay her the following month's tab, but honestly, it's EXTREMELY rare.  I've had, twice, a hand lent when I've needed one for my power bill and internet/land-line, but never asked, it was offered.  I don't ask for shit from people if I can do it myself.  I'm not going to turn down an offer, but I'm not going to go ask.  And if I need a favour, I don't just ask, "Can I have x," I like to earn it.  Like when I was needing to keep my phone on but didn't have the income to maintain that AND my pets, my money went to my pets and I'd ask a friend if I could come clean her house and instead of her giving me cash for cleaning, I'd just asked her to keep me supplied in minutes for my phone.  If I didn't have money to rent a movie or buy a book, obviously I didn't need those, right?  My immediate responsibilities come FIRST.  Rent, electric, phone, food for my pets, food for the apartment.  If I'm out of a food item, either wait till next payday to pick it up if I don't have the money right then, or hit up a food pantry if I'm not going to have the money for a while and I'm skint and running low.

The entire time I've lived on my own, I've not needed a pantry but maybe a handful of times.  I say this not to brag nor to gloat, I say this because I'm not 100% where I want to be, but I'm thankful that I'm further now than I was before, years ago.  I've grown up a lot.  If that's the example people see, then great.  I just wish there were more adults out there than children in adult bodies.  For example, I've got people thinking my house is their personal pantry (it isn't, I'm done supporting people, I can't afford it, there's a couple stores down the road, or better yet, you've got a job, budget your money better, and if not feasible, GO TO A FOOD PANTRY, I can get you a list of pantries, and I GUARANTEE YOU, MY ADDRESS IS NOT PART OF THAT LIST!).  Yes, I've got one person that's asked for little stuff, and it's rare when they've asked, and when I've lent them a hand, they've paid me back later when they got paid, themselves.  There is someone else that has yet to do that, and I'm honestly done.  I'm done with them, anyway, but especially in the supporting their household part.

But, as to having my ENTIRE life in order?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH No.  I am not a best-selling author (not yet, gimme time, I'm just starting out, but hey, I'm published!), I'm not living in my own dwelling yet, I'm still renting, but I'm not living in someone else's home.  I'm able to do my own thing, come and go as I choose without having to ask permission.  I'm doing this adult thing pretty well, I think.  It's other things that I can't help but think, "Why am I not x like that person..." because of how I was raised and had that hammered into my head from puberty.  I wish I could shake that.  I'm trying.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Search This Blog