Hello, Reader. It's been a while, hasn't it? To be precise, it’s been thirteen months and seventeen days since my last post.
It’s been quite an interesting time of things, to be sure. I’ve
been really struggling to get my creative voice back, but it’s not
been easy.
As 2021 wraps up, I
can’t help but think how long
this year seems to have been.
This isn’t the first attempt at writing this post, but I want to
just address a few things.
Firstly,
this entire year has been the sandpaper I’ve needed to slough off
some rough areas. I’ve lost people I thought would be in my life
for a lifetime - for example, my high school sweetheart died in April
under very suspicious circumstances just days after his birthday. He
was – is – one of the few most important people in my life, and I
miss him. I have a job that I once enjoyed, but now I’m having a
difficult time looking forward to doing these days, but I’m trying. This is a picture of us from when he came to visit for six weeks back in 2014. The first time we'd seen each other since 1991, right before his graduation from high school. I love you forever, Gimli...
On
the positive side, my daughter and I are forging a closer bond every day, and I’m grateful. She will be 22 in a week, and she and
I have some of the most random, off-the-wall conversations. We make
each other laugh, we make each other think. She’s listed in my
phone as “Mini Me” for a reason.
In
February, I had a COVID scare after a wonderful retreat I was
fortunate to attend. Two weeks in quarantine and a PCR test later, I
found out I was okay, thankfully, so I went back to work. The Friday
of the week I went back to work, which was also the first Friday of
Lent, I managed to trip over my own feet and broke my shoulder in
four places and broke the triquetrum bone in my wrist. I was at work
… getting ready to leave for the day. Thankfully, both were on my
left arm – I’m right-handed, so it wasn’t as frustrating as it
could’ve been, I’m not the most patient person when it comes to
trying to get better. I was off work for seven weeks, and during one
of the follow-ups, I found out the break that was on the neck of my
humeral head was within a millimetre of needing surgery. Yikes.
In
July, my dog, cat, and I were all displaced, because the hot water
tank in my apartment expired and sprung a leak. The shelf-life of
hot water tanks, apparently, is about ten years. The one in my unit
lasted for a little over eleven. It’s crazy, I had been thinking
about moving for about a year (I’d lived there for almost seven
years), but I’d hoped to do so after I graduated from CSCC, where
I’m working on an AA degree. Apparently, that wasn’t meant to
happen, and thankfully I’ve got renter’s insurance, so the
gremlins and I were able to stay in a hotel for a couple of months.
When the money was about capped for that, my ex-husband was kind in
letting my animals go stay with him until the apartment I was able to
get us into another apartment. Only took nearly four months, but I am stronger in my faith as a result, so that's been a huge provision...
The
apartment where we live now, it’s so much better. It’s quiet.
There’s no loud neighbours, and my apartment is smaller than my
last place, which is probably my favourite part (in addition, of
course, to the quieter environment haha). Bills are much cheaper
here, and I get to keep my pets. My fish tank needs a new filtration
system, and after the holidays are over, I’m going to work on
getting that handled and get some more fish eventually. Perhaps
around Valentine’s Day I’ll be welcoming some new scaly
roommates.
The
new year began approximately an hour and twenty-six minutes ago, and
while a big part of me is excited about seeing the potential for new
adventures and new challenges in the year to come, an equally large
part of me is hesitant to be excited to fling my arms wide open and
welcome this. Maybe it’s because 2021 was so rough, with
everything happening so rapid-fire. Maybe it’s because I should’ve
been getting ready to graduate in the Spring, but that has been
pushed – nay,
shoved – back a bit further. And I’m okay
with that. The end of Spring 2021 and the entirety of Autumn 2021
terms were
brutal. I’ve learnt a lot of new and interesting
things, sure, but if I’ve learnt anything truly useful is this:
slow down.
I’m
not big on “New Year, New Me” nonsense, certainly not into the
whole “New Year’s Resolutions” thing, but I will say this:
I’m going to make a better effort to slow down. To pick up my
creative pen again. I had creative laryngitis for four years –
from 2012 to 2016 – because of some trauma that happened, brought
on by abuse I endured from someone I was involved with for over a
year. I started to feel that scratchiness again (metaphorically
speaking) in recent months, this time brought on by other … shall
we say events and having my ear trained in the wrong place. I
allowed bad advice and terrible misinformation lead
me to somewhere that was not only a dead end, but a buzz saw that cut
me pretty deeply. As a result, I didn’t want to write anymore.
Then
. . . something interesting happened. I was cleaning out my e-mail
and I came across one from a group of people I was involved with –
other creatives – several years ago, one of them reached out to me
about involvement in a writing challenge. Writing every day for an
entire year. These individuals are legitimately encouraging,
accountability-holding; a quality group of people. Each
of us writes different genres and such, but I’ll finally have a
good group to talk to about writing and bounce ideas with, which is
something I’m looking forward to having at last. I
feel like I am able to breathe again. For me, Jesus and writing are
both huge parts of who I am. They’re as important to me as oxygen.
This blog is focused on my faith, and while I don’t really have
anyone to talk to about Him in casual conversation, I feel I can at
least do that here. Writing about Him – random thoughts I have
about Him, trying to make sense of life, and figuring out where I fit
in this crazy experience of being human, all of the in-between stuff,
this will be my place to do such. Even if no one reads it, even if
the only people who see my writing are random strangers who
accidentally find my blog and only spend a few seconds before
meandering to somewhere else in cyberspace, at least those seeds will
be planted, and I’m making peace with that.
This
past year has taught me how to let go of things I never had in the
first place, and to accept things that are, as they are. Failure is not an option, and I made a promise to Shawn that I won't give up. I don't believe in flaking on promises, and since he was - and still is - one of my most important people in my ever-shrinking circle, I'm dedicating this writing challenge to him. He fostered my creativity, and sometimes it would get on my nerves so much when he'd ask me, "Did you do any writing today?" or "When was the last time you did your Morning Pages?" "You should do an Artist's Date Day, you haven't done that in awhile. What's up?" The best way I can think of to honour his memory is getting back into my creativity. Getting back into my art. I love tapping into that, and I legitimately miss it. So, here's to 2022, full of writing, photography, and music.
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