Good afternoon, friendly reader! Today's interview is with Morty McKowsky. Morty* is 20 years old and from Jersey Shore, New Jersey. Morty is a rather unique individual. He showed up to our visit wearing Day-Glo orange pants, neon yellow shoes, and a rather loud Hawaiian shirt with pink and purple palm trees all over it. His hair was slicked back with Vaseline (he said it keeps it back the best, gel just wasn't doing it). I have to admit, I wasn't quite sure what to make of him. I'll let you decide.
Me – Good afternoon, Morty. How are you doing on this rainy Tuesday?
Morty – I'm swell. How are you, Rea?
Me – I'm doing well, thank you. Had to go do a few things, but I'm getting there. So, Morty, I want to talk to you… Well, first, about this… interesting outfit you've chosen to wear today. Was this for a special occasion, do you have a date later, or did you wear this ensemble just for our sit-down?
Morty [sitting a little straighter, smiling really big] – Ha ha no, no date. I figured you said “interview” so I thought I'd dress appropriately. I didn't want to just come in jeans and a t-shirt, that's just rude, y'know? This is what I like to call my “Sunday Evening Wear.” You like?
Me – Uh...huh. It's really...uhm…. Something. Not sure what to say other than it's pretty…. Uh….[cough] ...colourful.
Morty – Hey, man, “colourful” is my middle name! [clicks tongue, winks]
Me – So I see. [clears throat] Mmhmm. Well, then. So, Morty. Tell me a little about yourself. I know you and Terrence have met. I know there's some discord between the two of you, too, but we'll get to that. First I want to know about you. I understand you're a...vampire?
Morty – [solemn look, tight tone in his voice] – Yeah… That's correct. I am. It wasn't by MY choice, either. I can't say that I'm too thrilled about it, but then again, it could've been a lot worse, I guess. And, hey, at least I have a reason to be up all night, am I right? [smirk] It's alright, I guess. Aside from the ability to stay up all night now, it does have its perks. I mean, I have the brute strength I never had as a mortal, which would've come in real handy as a teen. Heh. But, there's other perks, like I can drink and not get intoxicated, so I'm a gas at parties!
Me – [laughs] – Well, yeah, there's that. And so's you know, Morty, no one says “gas” anymore as a slang for “fun.” I don't know if you knew that. So, you like the perks of vampirism… The strength, the partying hard without the consequences, but why did you get bothered when I brought up your vampirism? You mentioned it 'wasn't by choice.' Care to expand on that a little?
Morty – Not really, no. I'd rather not, thanks.
Me – I can respect that. Okay, moving on. So, you seem like a rather energetic sort of guy. And I know Terrence isn't too quiet, herself. I gotta say, though, hearing the two of you bickering, it kind of reminds me of a couple children bickering over whose turn it is with the gaming controls and there's only one controller. Let's talk about that, shall we?
Morty – [clears throat, tries to stifle a laugh] – Yes, we can discuss that. Terrence… Wow, she's a piece of work, isn't she? I mean, I figure, I'm older, yeah, so it should be my story told first. Sure, sure, hers came to you first, but I mean, she's a kid. Why should I be secondary to a frickin' high school student?! I'm not okay with this! And another thing, okay, she tries to out-smart me with her wicked-educated speak. I mean, who does that?! I've been around a lot longer than she has, and she tries to be all superior to me somehow. Don't underestimate me, sweet cheeks, alright, I may look different, but I don't think like a moron!
Me – Well. Alrighty. Let's not start slinging mud, man, I was just asking a simple question. Calm down, okay? She did tell me you tried pulling the age rank on her, and she didn't appreciate that one. Quite honestly, since I'm the one responsible for typing everything out, don't you think it should be left up to me who decides whose story is told first? Regardless whose came to me first? This is a “chicken or the egg” type scenario, don't you think? Truly. Terrence's did come to me first, yes, and I did have the beginnings of her story started a couple (or so) years ago for a class I'm doing online. And yours just kind of slammed into me like an F-5 tornado, you gotta admit. I felt like I couldn't get to a pen and paper fast enough before I lost you.
Morty – [looking quite pleased with himself, laughs] – Yeah, you gotta admit, I'm a bit of a force, aren't I? It's alright. I mean, I'm really not THAT bothered about it, but I won't lie when I say that it'd be nice to have my story banged out on the old keys first. Just saying. I heard something about a blog idea? Whatever came of that?
Me – Well… I am writing these Q&A sessions between you and Terrence down, and yes, I'm sharing them on my blog. But, if you'd like to contribute, I know Terrence probably would, too, I didn't get a chance to ask her before she had to duck out and go do her mountain of homework, but how would you like to be a guest blogger at my website for a little while? And okay, you say you're “not that bothered” but you bicker like a couple teenagers. It's driving me kinda nuts, if you want to know the truth.
Morty – [smirk] – Heh. Yeahhh… sorry 'bout that. And for the record, okay, SHE'S the one that started it. Just sayin'. I mean, you call me a teenager, but she's acting less mature than a seven-year-old. Seriously. As to the blog thing, sure… I've got nothing else pressing to do. So, yeah. When can I start?
Me – [trying to hide my annoyance, and failing miserably] – Morty. What did we talk about? No mudslinging. And we can start as soon as I get an answer back from Terrence. I shot her a text earlier. I'm sure she's buried in homework and college-prep stuff, so it's gonna be a little while (probably will hear back this evening or tomorrow), and we can go from there. How's that sound?
Morty – Sure, sure, it's cool, man. No big. No big.
[phone chime sounds off… I look down, see it's Terrence] – Oh! Speaking of Terrence! That's her now. Lemme see what she says.. Give me a moment…
yes, that's fine, i'd like to contribute. of course it's going to have to wait until all my homework's done in the evenings, but yes, i can do that. thank you for having me.
Me – [texting Terrence back as I speak to Morty] - Well, this is good news. Terrence is willing to participate, as well. Good, that'll give me some semblance of a break on what to try to drum up to write about. Thank you both.
Morty – Oh, cool, man, so, who's gonna submit first? Her or me?
Me – [exasperated] – Honestly, does it matter who goes first? It's whomever can get to a keyboard first. Alright? Geez, why are you so competitive?!
Morty – What? I can't help it! I mean, hel-LO, I'm a guy, alright. It's in my DNA.
Me – [shaking my head] – Eh… If you say so. Alright, so I've sent Terrence a text, and I'll tell you before we wrap up, just submit some stuff about yourself. Keep it PG-13 at minimum, alright, don't make me have to chase you up to change stuff, because I don't want to offend anyone. Current or future followers. Behave. You DO know how to behave…….right?
Morty – [aghast] – Wha----Of course I know how to behave, man! I'm insulted that you would think otherwise of me!
Me – Well, you said, yourself, and I quote: “I mean, hel-LO, I'm a guy, alright. It's in my DNA.” So…. You see where my concern comes from, I hope. Alright, so here's what we're going to do, then. I open the floor to you both. Terrence is finishing up her Senior year, and she's about to start college. So, she's understandably pretty busy. As you've stated, you aren't really all that busy, so I want the following of you both (and I expect this of both of you, just so we're clear!):
This is not a competition on who gets to post first, nor is it a competition on who can post more than the other.
No bickering of any kind, or I call the whole thing off! Got it?
No childish jokes.
Puns are okay, if kept to a MINIMUM. Yeah, don't think I don't know about your affinity for the pun. Just saying.
Proper grammar and spelling. Don't embarrass me.
Morty – Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Me – Good. I'm glad. I promise you, though, Morty, you better behave. You AND Terrence.
The next several posts, you'll know who they are when you see them signed “TG” for Terrence Gerard, or “MK” for Morty McKowsky. They'll likely start out with introducing themselves, you know, the usual “getting to know you” stuff, and then they'll share their day-to-day life for the rest of April. Terrence is pretty busy, as previously stated, but Morty seems like he's got time on his hands to spare for everyone. ;)
*Morty is a completely fictional character made up in my twisted mind.
*Morty is a completely fictional character made up in my twisted mind.